Is there another word for Update?

I feel like the majority of posts I've had lately have been "just little updates". This is just another one of those. No new news. Still waiting.

This last week I had a nice bit of overwhelming news. It was the lovely trifecta of announcements. One lady at work (who I found out by accident), one very close friend who is one of the best Moms I know, and a family member currently cooking up thier 10th!!!. All of these I found out about within 48 hours. Thankfully I did not have a full out breakdown but just a few tears.

The majority of my time has been spent working on my Thirty One business and learning to make pretty cakes. I found that having distractions is the best way for me to stay sane. However my husband had a talk with me the other night and wanted to know why I had not planned us a second IUI. My "excuse" is that we've been busy but after talking it out the truth just comes down to fear. Some days I feel strong enough knowing that is ok today that we do not have babies yet, there is still time. Other days I feel like its already too late and I should just figure out how to go on with life knowing we will never have them. For some reason it feels more daunting to have an one failed IUI behind us then it did before trying it. I know you can only do them so many times before moving on to IVF and for the love of all good-things holy that terrifies me. So after our talk we have decided to try again in November. It should be here before I know it.

Judging

Do you judge the level of worthiness of those around you that get knocked up? Does it hurt more when you feel the would not be good parents? Or when their circumstances are not good?

I'm having a very hard time today controlling my anger and judgements.

Another month gone by

Sigh...August is pretty much here another half year in the TRC journey has flown by.

Tonight I sit here at CD 38, been spotting for days but no AF. No symptoms and knowing that it is just waiting until I go out of town Thursday. Even AF likes to kick me in the ass sometimes

Our story is still not complete. While watching my best friend's belly grow I sit at home circling the bills from our first, failed IUI. Ahh, failed what a great word huh? I'd unsuccessful better?no matter what you call money is due and all we for was stress and tears.

Today I used the phrase "If we have a baby" instead of when. It was so natural and just came out. My sweet dear friend quickly corrected me to say WHEN and I do love her for that. However I think it is safe to say that I have finally let IF into the picture. Before when life was less knowledgable saying IF was just crazy talk. It was uncalled for and eerie. Now I feel like it is reality.

Passing Time

How do you keep a girl from thinking too much about a failed IUI?

Well for tonight I did the following -

I spent three hours making sugar flowers for my upcoming cake class.
Listen to the whole Rent soundtrack.
Listen to two other CDs!
Write a short blog.
Clean kitchen after crazy flower making.

It is now 1:35a and this gal is still up and going. Probably shouldn't have eaten any of that icing while making flowers...

Kidding aside, this week has sucked but I'm surviving. So far my emotions and thoughts have bounced between being numb and wondering what life would actually be like without any children in it. I know this is only one failed IUI, but for me, right now, it feels like one step closer to the end of never happening. One of four possible IUIs that might or might not have a good outcome before the only option is adoption and IVF. Both of which are just not feasible right now in our lives.

Also, I am still taking in the details from our IUI. The hubby's SA was not good at all. There were ZERO forward moving mobility swimmers. It has been over a year since his surgery and we thought it could only improve from there but I guess not.

The world seems to be surrounded by knocked up people and baby talk again. My BF is preggo (sigh, after one whole month trying) and is doing her damnest to make me confortable about it all. She has been wonderful with leaving the door open for me to talk to her about stuff when I'm ok to do it and but yet I am finding myself still being angry and rude to her. And I can't help it! I hear myself being short and rude to her and then walk away wondering why in the hell I'm mad at her. It is so not her fault and I know this. Why do we strike out at those closest to us?

Sigh.... It is so late. I really should be in bed and now I am just rambling.....

I will just end with saying, I'm trying to cope and keep myself in check but the positivity is not around right now. We will wait a month or two before the next try at an IUI. I just do not think I can handle two months in a row of negatives.

Losing Hope

Sigh, I sit here two weeks past IUI, very sore boobs and a BFN. I know it is not fully over but my flashbacks to all the other times I "thought" I had a feeling are coming back.

A little song therapy

Promise of you by Edwin McCain


Promise of you
It sleeps in the air
The air that I breathe
And I know that it's true
Don't have to convince myself to believe
What secrets sleep in the heart of a man
So much love wasted Slip right through my hands
See it in the eyes of the lonely
As they make their weary way
Shimmer in the eyes of longing
I hear it say
Promise of you
It sleeps in the air
The air that I breathe
And I know that it's true
Don't have to convince myself to believe
To believe...

What secrets sleep in the heart of the night
Dreams of salvation
Slipping out of sight
In the shimmering moments of twilight
Closing up the shine
Whisper on the wind of a rescue
Savior in time
Promise of you
It sleeps in the air
The air that I breathe
And I know that it's true
Don't have to convince myself to believe
All this time
I've been fighting my own private war
All this time
You were the peace I was looking for